Reviewing, we talked about what happens to Dick and Jane if Dick employs copy-cat behavior in winning her affections. Now we will surmise about what happens if he tries to be absolutely unique. You will recall that Jane was in love with the President of the Chess Club when Dick determined that he wanted to be her sweetheart.
Having wisely avoided a Mohawk haircut, he has put on his best shirt and tie, and walks up to her and blurts out, “I want to be a world class marine Biologist, and study Evolution on Komodo Island. Will you go bowling with me on Friday night?” Jane takes one look at him and evaluates him as a predictable simpleton, and says “No thanks. Ask somebody else.” Dick is shattered, and glumly proceeds to drown his sorrows in Grape Nehi, bewailing the injustice of how “All Women” treat “All Men.” As far as Dick is concerned, this is utter failure, and the very worst thing that could have happened. In reality, going by our previous example, Dick has saved months of time and a broken heart, and has ended up with exactly the same result. This is the best thing that could have happened to Dick, as long as he is still friendly when Jill comes along.
Looking back over our “disaster,” we see that Dick certainly did not sell himself short, but embellished the truth a little. He no more wants to study Evolution on Komodo Island than he wants to be World Chess Champion, but it represents the highest goal of any Vet's career.
Meanwhile Jane didn't really make out like a bandit: (she stole no hearts today.) The Chess Club President hasn't asked her out yet, and she missed out on a chance to honestly evaluate if she likes Dick at all. Double entendre if you must. As far as she can see, All Chess Club Presidents never ask anyone out!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Chapter Eight: All and Never!
So far we have made some natural and commonly occurring observations intentionally, because they are natural and occur commonly, BUT THEY ARE WRONG.
Every time so far that Dick or Jane has made a conclusion about the opposite sex, they have concluded this to be true for ALL OF THEM! Looking back to a moment ago, Chess Club Presidents never ask ANYONE out. What happens then if he asks Jill out? Then it's even worse, and Jill is her sworn enemy, presumably because she exists only to steal ALL Chess Club Presidents away from Jane.
To remind you, Jill thinks Vets are the Unsung Heroes of the New Millennium, and only accepted a date with the Chess Club President because she didn't know Dick. (OK maybe she did, but you know what I mean.)
Every time so far that Dick or Jane has made a conclusion about the opposite sex, they have concluded this to be true for ALL OF THEM! Looking back to a moment ago, Chess Club Presidents never ask ANYONE out. What happens then if he asks Jill out? Then it's even worse, and Jill is her sworn enemy, presumably because she exists only to steal ALL Chess Club Presidents away from Jane.
To remind you, Jill thinks Vets are the Unsung Heroes of the New Millennium, and only accepted a date with the Chess Club President because she didn't know Dick. (OK maybe she did, but you know what I mean.)
Chapter Nine: Jill and the Chess Club President.
Let's contrive another very unlikely example: Jill's heart has NEVER been broken, and the Chess Club President plays ALL his cards right. They share a perfect candle lit dinner at McDonald's and discuss world affairs, and the way the third lane at the bowling alley tends to curve left, making it easier to get strikes. In an unguarded moment he shares with her his secret passion for Computer Network Interface Cards, and how he wants to eventually become the sole provider of Network Interface Cards on the West Coast, including Silicon Valley in the South, and Microsoft in Seattle Washington in the North. Well, this presents Jill with a terrible dilemma. How does she let him down easy? Fortunately for us, this example is unlikely and contrived and Jill is hit with a brainstorm. She is honest with Mr. Chess Club President, in the following fashion. She tells him that he has been nicer to her than any Chess Club President ever before, and she had a perfectly wonderful time at McDonald's, but Network Interface Cards mean absolutely nothing to her. She would rather watch baby Alligators break out of their shell at the Zoo, and give immunization shots to the Rocky Mountain Billy Goats. BUT she doesn't quit there. She gives him her REAL telephone number, safe in supposing he probably won't use it, and tells him it would be fun to get together now and then, but not seriously. She kisses him goodnight, and is pleasantly surprised to find that he doesn't smoke. End of Example.
In real life, a Chess Club President would probably be her slave for life at this point. 15 years from now, when she needs 50,000 NIC cards for all the Zoos in Africa where she is working as head Zoologist, he will move heaven and earth to have them there for her at bottom dollar.
But allowing for the pitiful dating life of the average Chess Club President, Jill's problem is about to become very thorny indeed. He DOES use the phone number. REPEATEDLY. Every time he can't get a date, she is his under-valued fall back. Dick doesn't know it isn't serious, and she becomes “marked territory.” The Chess Club President becomes a sort of “Dating JASON/FREDDY” to Jill. This is a terrible situation for Jill, but also not the desired result for the Chess Club President. If he doesn't move on, he'll never find out if Jane deeply yearns for a future Network Card King, and time isn't waiting for either of them. To his great misfortune, Jack (The Captain of the Football Team,) makes his move on Jane.
Up to this point, let's just be sorry for Jill, and remember that she has been a perfect friend to everybody so far.
In real life, a Chess Club President would probably be her slave for life at this point. 15 years from now, when she needs 50,000 NIC cards for all the Zoos in Africa where she is working as head Zoologist, he will move heaven and earth to have them there for her at bottom dollar.
But allowing for the pitiful dating life of the average Chess Club President, Jill's problem is about to become very thorny indeed. He DOES use the phone number. REPEATEDLY. Every time he can't get a date, she is his under-valued fall back. Dick doesn't know it isn't serious, and she becomes “marked territory.” The Chess Club President becomes a sort of “Dating JASON/FREDDY” to Jill. This is a terrible situation for Jill, but also not the desired result for the Chess Club President. If he doesn't move on, he'll never find out if Jane deeply yearns for a future Network Card King, and time isn't waiting for either of them. To his great misfortune, Jack (The Captain of the Football Team,) makes his move on Jane.
Up to this point, let's just be sorry for Jill, and remember that she has been a perfect friend to everybody so far.
Chapter Ten: Jack and Jane:
Jack is the Captain of the football team. Jane is free to date, as Chess Club Man is otherwise occupied, and being the savvy operator that he is, he makes his move.
Keeping in mind that this example is just as contrived as the others: Jane is flattered that this strapping example of youth admires her, and accepts the date. Tuesday comes, (Friday night is game night,) and she dresses to impress. Worldly wise, he kisses her hello, and she is disappointed to observe that he smokes. The first date is to a movie. No messy conversation. No pussy footing around, his hand starts out half-way down her thigh, and isn't migrating toward her knee. She holds his hand in her lap with both of hers, and loses all appreciation for the movie.
Now at this point, half of us are thinking she needs to begin emergency measures to regain boundaries. And those of us who are not yet parents are saying “What's keeping her knees from parting imperceptibly?”
Those of the former, less popular contingent have correctly anticipated that no matter what happens here and now, making less happen next time is like playing pick-up sticks with a wet noodle.
Keeping in mind that this example is just as contrived as the others: Jane is flattered that this strapping example of youth admires her, and accepts the date. Tuesday comes, (Friday night is game night,) and she dresses to impress. Worldly wise, he kisses her hello, and she is disappointed to observe that he smokes. The first date is to a movie. No messy conversation. No pussy footing around, his hand starts out half-way down her thigh, and isn't migrating toward her knee. She holds his hand in her lap with both of hers, and loses all appreciation for the movie.
Now at this point, half of us are thinking she needs to begin emergency measures to regain boundaries. And those of us who are not yet parents are saying “What's keeping her knees from parting imperceptibly?”
Those of the former, less popular contingent have correctly anticipated that no matter what happens here and now, making less happen next time is like playing pick-up sticks with a wet noodle.
Chapter Eleven: SEX!
If trying to make heads or tails of sex relations is like taking the SATs, then trying to keep a level head while having sex is more like trying to take the SATs while tripping on acid. It makes everything more intense, and the highs of success make the devastating crashes of mistakes abysmally worse.
You can't have enough sex for it to wear off. Even if you could, it would take 30 or 40 years of continually working at it. The theory that you can get perspective by putting it behind you somehow, has never been proven in a laboratory. To be sure, I have friends who will tease and say that people who say “sex is no big thing” are getting plenty. At the outset, that appears to bolster a claim that sex is some kind of “big deal.” But upon closer examination, it is really an argument that “when you're getting plenty of sex, it's no big deal.”
Suffice it to say that while sex is not an Olympic event, in can be done badly as well as superlatively. If it's no big deal, you are in shock or jaded, or otherwise not getting the full benefit. That being said, this is not a book about how to have sex.
Remember the third chapter, when Dick became a Chess Champion and got Jane's best attentions? If Dick and Jane had consummated the doomed relationship with sex, then every bad lesson they learned would be associated and re-enforced with memories of sex. If the sex was great, the bad memories are ground into the consciousness with vivid painful detail. If the sex was mediocre, each secretly wonders if better sex would have solved the problems.
Would you agree with me that regaining objectivity at that point is next to hopeless? Disease and Unwanted pregnancy only make it catastrophically worse. This is as good a time as any to really investigate exactly what we mean.
You can't have enough sex for it to wear off. Even if you could, it would take 30 or 40 years of continually working at it. The theory that you can get perspective by putting it behind you somehow, has never been proven in a laboratory. To be sure, I have friends who will tease and say that people who say “sex is no big thing” are getting plenty. At the outset, that appears to bolster a claim that sex is some kind of “big deal.” But upon closer examination, it is really an argument that “when you're getting plenty of sex, it's no big deal.”
Suffice it to say that while sex is not an Olympic event, in can be done badly as well as superlatively. If it's no big deal, you are in shock or jaded, or otherwise not getting the full benefit. That being said, this is not a book about how to have sex.
Remember the third chapter, when Dick became a Chess Champion and got Jane's best attentions? If Dick and Jane had consummated the doomed relationship with sex, then every bad lesson they learned would be associated and re-enforced with memories of sex. If the sex was great, the bad memories are ground into the consciousness with vivid painful detail. If the sex was mediocre, each secretly wonders if better sex would have solved the problems.
Would you agree with me that regaining objectivity at that point is next to hopeless? Disease and Unwanted pregnancy only make it catastrophically worse. This is as good a time as any to really investigate exactly what we mean.
Chapter Twelve: What's worse, Disease or Pregnancy?
First off, disease means someone was having sex before. Dick is our hero and must end up with Jill, so Jane has to bite the dust here. Can you imagine any way she doesn't bitterly hate the nameless guy who gave her syphilis? Now Dick was an idiot to get carried away and not use a condom, but seriously, who wears those things? When the magical event is just about to go down, Jane had a problem on her hands just like in Chapter 10. As she succumbed to his advances, every sexual response is associated with a self loathing that she doesn't have the courage to tell Dick she is not currently available. No one particularly blames her, I mean look what he went through, just on the off chance he could gain her favor? Dick is no virgin... he lost it in the tenth grade to his baby brother's baby sitter, but he hasn't been humping the furniture between lusty encounters. He's been keeping it in his pants, and treating women with respect. Jane just knows that if she puts “love” on hold it will be the end of the relationship. Maybe he won't get syphilis. Even if he does, maybe he'll understand somehow.
So when does she tell him? “Oh Dick, look for it to start burning when you urinate in a week or so. I was saving it for a surprise!” “Oh Dick, I kept meaning to tell you, I want to rub it in your face that you're getting someone else's leavings!” If Jane couldn't screw up the courage to tell a doctor, there is no way Dick is finding out from her in any way. He has no idea, and when it starts to burn, it doesn't matter who he tells. Dad in the head, straight to a school nurse, or a buddy at a ball game (where Jack leads the Fighting Cougars to victory.) Whenever and however the realization hits him, in that moment he is belittled and betrayed. Someone else was there, and recently. (It doesn't matter if it was recently or not – the evidence is brand new.) Jane couldn't be bothered to tell him: Does she love this other guy more? Why couldn't she share something like this with him? He feels like he could do chin ups on a sewer grate.
He hates Jane just as much as she hates the guy that gave it to her. Now they are both equal in some ways. They have both been badly betrayed by a member of the opposite sex. The have both been humiliated and had infidelity rubbed in their faces. But chances are this common experience is not going to be a bonding experience that leads them both to want to share new and more exotic sexually transmitted diseases.
The lessons we went over in Chapter Three as this relationship dies a horrible death are etched so indelibly on the brain they may as well be branded there. How much life will pass Dick by before he trusts another girl that way? When will Jane ever learn that ALL GUYS are not deserters, who ditch you at the first sign of trouble?
I think we can all agree that sex was a bad idea in this example.
So when does she tell him? “Oh Dick, look for it to start burning when you urinate in a week or so. I was saving it for a surprise!” “Oh Dick, I kept meaning to tell you, I want to rub it in your face that you're getting someone else's leavings!” If Jane couldn't screw up the courage to tell a doctor, there is no way Dick is finding out from her in any way. He has no idea, and when it starts to burn, it doesn't matter who he tells. Dad in the head, straight to a school nurse, or a buddy at a ball game (where Jack leads the Fighting Cougars to victory.) Whenever and however the realization hits him, in that moment he is belittled and betrayed. Someone else was there, and recently. (It doesn't matter if it was recently or not – the evidence is brand new.) Jane couldn't be bothered to tell him: Does she love this other guy more? Why couldn't she share something like this with him? He feels like he could do chin ups on a sewer grate.
He hates Jane just as much as she hates the guy that gave it to her. Now they are both equal in some ways. They have both been badly betrayed by a member of the opposite sex. The have both been humiliated and had infidelity rubbed in their faces. But chances are this common experience is not going to be a bonding experience that leads them both to want to share new and more exotic sexually transmitted diseases.
The lessons we went over in Chapter Three as this relationship dies a horrible death are etched so indelibly on the brain they may as well be branded there. How much life will pass Dick by before he trusts another girl that way? When will Jane ever learn that ALL GUYS are not deserters, who ditch you at the first sign of trouble?
I think we can all agree that sex was a bad idea in this example.
Chapter Thirteen: PREGNANCY!
This is the bad luck chapter, so no point wiping the disease slate clean. Three weeks later, the tide goes out for Jane and doesn't come in again. She's pregnant. She had been so ashamed she didn't know how to explain to Dick. Dick found out by the nature of his infection and came back to her to talk it over (these contrived examples are so easy.) Being a stand-up guy, he had marched her down to the school nurse, and she just got done with a course of antibiotics, and now this.
Her thoughts are a smoking engine, racing in neutral. She's got to tell Dick she’s pregnant now. How can she possibly tell Dick? Can we have this discussion without enunciating the dreaded question “Abortion?” Would Dick want her to keep the baby, or abort it? What kind of man would ever council her to abort a baby? God, why are you doing this to me? Why me and not somebody else? Dick already despises me. How could I tell him this? Easy: It's HIS baby! It's not my fault; he did this to me. I'm going to call him right now and tell him what for! The girl who could not bear to share the embarrassment of explaining an STD is no longer the gentle creature that admired the Chess Club President from afar. She has not become a mean vengeful aggressor, but she has nature's fire of DESPERATION kindled in her belly. There is no deescalating this tension. There is no retreating or moving on. The urgency of her decision cannot be averted.
At this point, if she tells Dick, he is no longer a stand in cut-out for all men. He is legally responsible, and there will be no do-overs. An upright guy wouldn’t be in this position, but Dick is. He can choose to marry her or pay child support for eighteen years. He can choose to represent his sex badly, and desert. If she decides to get an abortion, the law precludes him over-riding her unilateral decision. If she decides not to, whatever gyrations she puts his brain and emotions through are a mere exercise. He can't make her. Any council he offers to that end is mere weakness of character. His decision not to wear a condom has now become her catastrophic dilemma. If this event catapults her into motherhood, she will likely make a decision never to depend on a man again. Partnership is better than trying to go it alone, and that outcome will hinder her indefinitely from enjoying a healthy loving relationship with Dick or anybody else.
What she does not know is that if she exercises her prerogative to terminate the pregnancy, the self loathing that she felt as she hid her STD while Dick mounted her, is merely the lapping waves of a sea of despair that she will sail if she kills her unborn child. True, it will come and go, but she will always wonder what could have happened IF she had taken the other fork in the road.
In this example, Jane is not the kind to build a long-term relationship with a guy she realizes she is not really matched to anyway. His idea of a date is to hang out at the Zoo and watch them feed the animals all afternoon, and she wants her own career, as a Financial Consultant. Being an intelligent girl, she makes use of the available social safety nets, and finds out at the counseling center that there is a negative population growth. They council her (this is a contrived example,) that there are psychological penalties to abortion, as well as potential infertility, so she determines to bring the baby to term, and put it up for adoption. This has the built in problems of wanting to know what happened to the child, a legal impossibility. Furthermore, the child may feel that his/her birth mother didn't love him/her... s/he is statistically likely to seek her birth mother out in tortured rejection of her adoptive parents. But then this was an unwanted pregnancy, not the launching of the Space Shuttle. She hopes that s/he will understand that while all other children are the product of nature's necessity, s/he was actually CHOSEN by her adoptive parents, over and above other children, and was sought out, not thrust upon them.
Forget Dating and the “no big deal” of a role in the hay. Dick is definitely better off never fishing with that kind of worm. Hopefully things will go better with Jill.
Her thoughts are a smoking engine, racing in neutral. She's got to tell Dick she’s pregnant now. How can she possibly tell Dick? Can we have this discussion without enunciating the dreaded question “Abortion?” Would Dick want her to keep the baby, or abort it? What kind of man would ever council her to abort a baby? God, why are you doing this to me? Why me and not somebody else? Dick already despises me. How could I tell him this? Easy: It's HIS baby! It's not my fault; he did this to me. I'm going to call him right now and tell him what for! The girl who could not bear to share the embarrassment of explaining an STD is no longer the gentle creature that admired the Chess Club President from afar. She has not become a mean vengeful aggressor, but she has nature's fire of DESPERATION kindled in her belly. There is no deescalating this tension. There is no retreating or moving on. The urgency of her decision cannot be averted.
At this point, if she tells Dick, he is no longer a stand in cut-out for all men. He is legally responsible, and there will be no do-overs. An upright guy wouldn’t be in this position, but Dick is. He can choose to marry her or pay child support for eighteen years. He can choose to represent his sex badly, and desert. If she decides to get an abortion, the law precludes him over-riding her unilateral decision. If she decides not to, whatever gyrations she puts his brain and emotions through are a mere exercise. He can't make her. Any council he offers to that end is mere weakness of character. His decision not to wear a condom has now become her catastrophic dilemma. If this event catapults her into motherhood, she will likely make a decision never to depend on a man again. Partnership is better than trying to go it alone, and that outcome will hinder her indefinitely from enjoying a healthy loving relationship with Dick or anybody else.
What she does not know is that if she exercises her prerogative to terminate the pregnancy, the self loathing that she felt as she hid her STD while Dick mounted her, is merely the lapping waves of a sea of despair that she will sail if she kills her unborn child. True, it will come and go, but she will always wonder what could have happened IF she had taken the other fork in the road.
In this example, Jane is not the kind to build a long-term relationship with a guy she realizes she is not really matched to anyway. His idea of a date is to hang out at the Zoo and watch them feed the animals all afternoon, and she wants her own career, as a Financial Consultant. Being an intelligent girl, she makes use of the available social safety nets, and finds out at the counseling center that there is a negative population growth. They council her (this is a contrived example,) that there are psychological penalties to abortion, as well as potential infertility, so she determines to bring the baby to term, and put it up for adoption. This has the built in problems of wanting to know what happened to the child, a legal impossibility. Furthermore, the child may feel that his/her birth mother didn't love him/her... s/he is statistically likely to seek her birth mother out in tortured rejection of her adoptive parents. But then this was an unwanted pregnancy, not the launching of the Space Shuttle. She hopes that s/he will understand that while all other children are the product of nature's necessity, s/he was actually CHOSEN by her adoptive parents, over and above other children, and was sought out, not thrust upon them.
Forget Dating and the “no big deal” of a role in the hay. Dick is definitely better off never fishing with that kind of worm. Hopefully things will go better with Jill.
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