Chapter Sixteen: What exactly are we looking for?

Guys: I just “looked the girls off” for an entire chapter. Now it's just us, get a clue. Ask somebody out besides Jane and Jill. Demonstrate leadership. You become more than the sum of your parts if you have direction. If you don't have direction, ask yourself why. What goals do you really have? How are you moving to accomplish these? Jack appears to be on a path to become an NFL star. The reason the Chess Club President is not attractive is that a girl sees chess as an advertisement that he will be competing with her intellectually. Competition is only fun if it's friendly. It can spur one to greater accomplishment. But Chess looks like an invitation to make every little thing a knock down drag out. Gary Kasparov was World Chess Champion for many years. But at the age of 41, he quit competitive chess to marry and go into politics.

OK, Girls you can listen in again. I can't tell everyone what Guys are looking for, so much as I can talk about unreasonable ideals.

The unreasonable ideal that is usually set for us is something like this: Shoot for someone who is on par with you in the appearances department. Shoot for someone with similar financial prospects. And finally try to match intellects. Now do all three at once.

Randomly observing, I think people match up by financial prospects first, then within that group test for matching looks, and hope in the end that intellects are not too badly off.

I hope you can see that this doesn't leave a lot of room to measure character, and I am coaching you to buck the “system.” I suppose that the guys in the Chess Club took a look at financial prospects and said, I'm gonna lick that system with intellect – looks be damned. If you're wondering if Chess represents making everything an intellectual competition, spend a little time finding out. I am not so naive as to think they could tell you if you put it to them as a question, but get them away from the group, and shoot the breeze, see where the conversation takes you.

Finally, what does it mean to have things in common? By application it means “Left to your own devices, would you two choose to be in such differing circumstances that you are likely not to get along?” If he wants to be designing computer chips is Silicon Valley and she wants to be a party planner, things are not so different as they look. He can start a business, and she can plan his business get-togethers. She can even make it a for-profit activity by planning all the parties in the city. But on a first date, what are they going to talk about? Clearly not how to design computer chips or plan parties. At this point it is handy to share an interest in Show Horses or Music. Having common interests does not mean agreeing about everything so much that you are “two peas in a pod.” Disagreements are opportunities to show identity and character, not evidence that all future efforts to be friends are instantly doomed for all eternity. Remember, if you can predict what I am going to say, you needn't ask it.

What do I mean by similar financial prospects? Party Planners and Computer Engineers don't make the same income, yet nothing appears to be standing in their way. Paint this picture. He is from old money back East, she is from old money back East, they meet at Ivy League School. No brainer. She just happens to want to be a party planner. Suppose instead we paint a different picture. His Dad's a computer programmer, and her Dad's a truck driver. They meet at State School. Still OK. But if she is from old money back East, and his dad's a computer programmer, his motives are automatically suspect. Even if his Dad is nouveau riche and her Dad's a trucker, it still is a long shot. That is what I mean about similar financial prospects.