Most of us already know that when you drink a soda, you can start a caffeine/sugar crash cycle. The sugar rush produces a temporary high, but when the stimulation wears off, we seek a never ending repetition of that buzz. This book is written on the theory that “self help” books produce a similar cycle. This book is for self help, but is intended to break that cycle. Most audiences can benefit from one area or another, but it is not intended as an ephemeral euphoria. Rather, the satisfaction of a balanced meal, prepared by someone else, who has already counted all the calories. As such, humor will be the salt that seasons the various chapters, but you are expected to eat your vegetables... it's not a Vegas Dessert Buffet.
Dick and Jane Teach Us What They Know: A Game Theory inspired commentary on Dating.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Chapter One: How to fish:
A young man was out in the wilderness, and starving. As he stumbled along he came upon an old man sitting by the lake, chewing on a leathery piece of jerky. The young man was famished, and asked the old man, “Are there fish in the lake?”
“Oh yes, lots of them.”
“Well, do you not know how to fish?”
“Oh yes, I certainly do!”
“ Well are we lacking a hook?”
“Oh no, I have bait and tackle, and all you could want over there in my cabin.”
“So why are you chewing on that leathery piece of jerky, when you could be feasting on fresh fish?” asked the young man.
“Well,” replied the old man, “There is a reason, if you really want to know.”
The young man assured him he was dying for some fish, and really wanted to know. “When I was a young man, I came upon a parchment, telling you how to fish. It specified exactly the hook to use, exactly the bait to use, exactly how heavy a line, and what color. Not only this, but it explained the best weather, the ideal time of day, and just where in the lake to put down a line. It told where the best logs were that the fish use for cover, and the best backwaters. It showed how to fillet the fish, and what kind of fire to cook it over. So I took the advice, and began to fish.”
“Well, did you catch anything?” came the query.
“Not only did I catch fish, I caught them all over the place. I caught 5 and 6 an hour. I had so many fish I didn’t know what to do with them all.”
“So you’re trying to tell me you’re sick of fish, is that it?”
“On the contrary, I love a good Striper, but with this parchment, all I ever caught were carp”
Moral:
If we don’t like the fish we are catching, should we
A: Learn to like the kind of fish we have been catching?
B: Learn to fish differently?
We want to understand that in the analysis, the opposite sex is the fish, and each of us as an individual is fishing for a lasting relationship.
Leaving aside that a really hungry person will simply get a net (and ladies, fishnet's WILL do it for a one night stand,) most of us are willing to play a numbers game to a degree, with the incentive of stability and happiness as our final destination.
“Oh yes, lots of them.”
“Well, do you not know how to fish?”
“Oh yes, I certainly do!”
“ Well are we lacking a hook?”
“Oh no, I have bait and tackle, and all you could want over there in my cabin.”
“So why are you chewing on that leathery piece of jerky, when you could be feasting on fresh fish?” asked the young man.
“Well,” replied the old man, “There is a reason, if you really want to know.”
The young man assured him he was dying for some fish, and really wanted to know. “When I was a young man, I came upon a parchment, telling you how to fish. It specified exactly the hook to use, exactly the bait to use, exactly how heavy a line, and what color. Not only this, but it explained the best weather, the ideal time of day, and just where in the lake to put down a line. It told where the best logs were that the fish use for cover, and the best backwaters. It showed how to fillet the fish, and what kind of fire to cook it over. So I took the advice, and began to fish.”
“Well, did you catch anything?” came the query.
“Not only did I catch fish, I caught them all over the place. I caught 5 and 6 an hour. I had so many fish I didn’t know what to do with them all.”
“So you’re trying to tell me you’re sick of fish, is that it?”
“On the contrary, I love a good Striper, but with this parchment, all I ever caught were carp”
Moral:
If we don’t like the fish we are catching, should we
A: Learn to like the kind of fish we have been catching?
B: Learn to fish differently?
We want to understand that in the analysis, the opposite sex is the fish, and each of us as an individual is fishing for a lasting relationship.
Leaving aside that a really hungry person will simply get a net (and ladies, fishnet's WILL do it for a one night stand,) most of us are willing to play a numbers game to a degree, with the incentive of stability and happiness as our final destination.
Chapter Two: What step am I ready for?
The problem with categorizing everyone is that it leads to pigeon hole thinking. B.F Skinner was the father of behavioral psychology. He used an apparatus called a Skinner box to train animals. Rather than try to stuff you in a Skinner box, I'll assert that as we mature we go through more than one stage of development. I will not pretend to offer an exhaustive list, but rather list as many as I can account for, and agree that people at large try them in the order that they think of them, not in some programmatic tier system.
Lastly, there is no final state or “box” of maturity that anyone can just jump to the end and be instantly mature. This book is to help us all think more clearly about the problems we face at our various levels of development.
Lastly, there is no final state or “box” of maturity that anyone can just jump to the end and be instantly mature. This book is to help us all think more clearly about the problems we face at our various levels of development.
Chapter three: Copycat Identity
We all usually start off agreeing with some form of peer pressure. Whether the influence of our chosen peer group is beneficial or destructive, we start off using someone else's value system. Use drugs, rebel, conform, lead, follow; doctors, lawyers, politicians, plumbers, we start off seeking experimentally where we are happiest. So consider this set first:
Let's contrive a very unlikely example. Dick sees that Jane is very beautiful. Finding that the object of her affection is the President of the Chess club, Dick joins the Chess club, reads Kasparov, competes like a demon, and wins the County Chess King tournament. His over-awed peers elect him President of the Chess Club. Jane, being predictable as all women are, succumbs to his advances and we have Nirvana – Boy gets Girl. I know we are all laughing, but this is the stylized result that Dick envisions. The point we all miss is that the kiss is the end of the movie but it is only the start of the relationship. Up to this point, Dick had a goal: Become President of the Chess Club/Win Jane's affections.
Consider Dick's situation first: Victorious though he may be he is automatically insecure. Even in this ideal world, he is not going to become World Chess King. Worse yet, he doesn't WANT to. He finds that Jane is in love with someone he is not, and as beautiful as Jane is, he discovers that he is not in love with who she is. She has become a trophy. He loses County Chess Champion next time around, and Jane discovers that he is mortally fallible.
And what of Jane's part? She cannot believe that she has been “deceived” by a man who claims to be a Chess Champion, but all he ever really wanted to be was a Vet! It is academic who dumps who.
Consider what opinions of the opposite sex have been re-enforced. Dick has “learned” that there is no point changing to please a girl. He has “learned” that “All Girls” don't love you for who you are. Jane has “learned” “All Men” will do anything as long as they are in pursuit, but don't really want to be “in a relationship.” Furthermore, “All Men” want her only for her looks.
This would be bad enough if Dick and Jane met their ideal mate the very next time they ventured “out there.” BUT when Jack shows up to try and win Jane's affections, he has a very negative stereotype to overcome. Neither is Dick particularly kind to Jill. Jill loves animals, and thinks Vets are the unsung heroes of the New Millennium. Dick thinks it's an act, and is skeptical. Jill feels like he doesn't trust her, and therefore doesn't love her. Jill finally concludes that he is more in love with her looks than her character and although he really thinks she's prettier than Jane, it ends up not mattering
The point is this: Preconceptions are self fulfilling. Multiply this out by many years, and factor in that relationships are less commonplace than Untested Crushes, (these last remaining unchallenged by reality,) and it is a marvel that Cross-Gender relations, (admittedly bad,) are not worse to the point of violence.
Recapitulating, we recall that Dick modified his identity to obtain Jane's affections.
Let's contrive a very unlikely example. Dick sees that Jane is very beautiful. Finding that the object of her affection is the President of the Chess club, Dick joins the Chess club, reads Kasparov, competes like a demon, and wins the County Chess King tournament. His over-awed peers elect him President of the Chess Club. Jane, being predictable as all women are, succumbs to his advances and we have Nirvana – Boy gets Girl. I know we are all laughing, but this is the stylized result that Dick envisions. The point we all miss is that the kiss is the end of the movie but it is only the start of the relationship. Up to this point, Dick had a goal: Become President of the Chess Club/Win Jane's affections.
Consider Dick's situation first: Victorious though he may be he is automatically insecure. Even in this ideal world, he is not going to become World Chess King. Worse yet, he doesn't WANT to. He finds that Jane is in love with someone he is not, and as beautiful as Jane is, he discovers that he is not in love with who she is. She has become a trophy. He loses County Chess Champion next time around, and Jane discovers that he is mortally fallible.
And what of Jane's part? She cannot believe that she has been “deceived” by a man who claims to be a Chess Champion, but all he ever really wanted to be was a Vet! It is academic who dumps who.
Consider what opinions of the opposite sex have been re-enforced. Dick has “learned” that there is no point changing to please a girl. He has “learned” that “All Girls” don't love you for who you are. Jane has “learned” “All Men” will do anything as long as they are in pursuit, but don't really want to be “in a relationship.” Furthermore, “All Men” want her only for her looks.
This would be bad enough if Dick and Jane met their ideal mate the very next time they ventured “out there.” BUT when Jack shows up to try and win Jane's affections, he has a very negative stereotype to overcome. Neither is Dick particularly kind to Jill. Jill loves animals, and thinks Vets are the unsung heroes of the New Millennium. Dick thinks it's an act, and is skeptical. Jill feels like he doesn't trust her, and therefore doesn't love her. Jill finally concludes that he is more in love with her looks than her character and although he really thinks she's prettier than Jane, it ends up not mattering
The point is this: Preconceptions are self fulfilling. Multiply this out by many years, and factor in that relationships are less commonplace than Untested Crushes, (these last remaining unchallenged by reality,) and it is a marvel that Cross-Gender relations, (admittedly bad,) are not worse to the point of violence.
Recapitulating, we recall that Dick modified his identity to obtain Jane's affections.
Chapter Four: The Unique Identifier.
Imagine instead that we start off determining that we will be completely unique, and similar to no one. One aspect of this is dress. Mohawk haircuts, tattoos, piercings and the grunge look have been past manifestations of this kind of “counter culture.” This can result in a person seeking out odd talents and pursuing excellence in arcane fields all in an attempt to have an identity that cannot be compromised. Implied by this choice is the good observation that “looks” are not everything, and one should not be judged strictly by outward appearances.
Let's say Dick has sought this unique character, and Jane is attracted. If she is from a conformist peer group, her hopes are doomed. But if she is equally individual, Dick and Jane are threatened by paradox. They have unique appearance and identity in common. Although they are individual, they have individuality in common. They form a peer group of two! Unfortunately this may be the ONLY thing they have in common. Attempts to maintain identity end up offending all compromise, and any relationship cannot last. They cannot be “together” and “distinct” at the same time.
Let's say Dick has sought this unique character, and Jane is attracted. If she is from a conformist peer group, her hopes are doomed. But if she is equally individual, Dick and Jane are threatened by paradox. They have unique appearance and identity in common. Although they are individual, they have individuality in common. They form a peer group of two! Unfortunately this may be the ONLY thing they have in common. Attempts to maintain identity end up offending all compromise, and any relationship cannot last. They cannot be “together” and “distinct” at the same time.
Chapter Five: Identity and Predictability, Nature versus Nurture.
This should lead naturally into a discussion of “What exactly does make someone unique?” Unique has been so overused in the media that it is now commonly used as a comparative. Yet people are no more identical than fingerprints. How can we resolve this, with the apparent similarities and occasional copy-cat behavior? Consider that from birth, our character is the accumulation of decisions or choices. If a parent disciplines us, and we agree, then we begin to implement that decision in our own affairs. If we disagree, we resolve not to let that be a decision we ever make. How to drive, what to eat, where to go, with whom to associate, when to act: The “whys” of how we do things. I learned from a psychiatrist that this is how we build our “sense of self.” This actually addresses the age old question of Nature versus Nurture is a unique way.
If the combinations and permutations of these were not enough, we change our minds at intervals that, while not random from the point of view of stimulus, are not readily predictable by any pattern. For example, “I'm sick of blue sweaters. Blue is no longer my favorite color!” When these things are taken into consideration, even “GI Joes,” military personnel who all wear size 10 shoes, and have names starting with “N” are still different enough in personality that it boggles the mind.
A more interesting question we could ask is this: “Do I mind being predictable?” Most of us just can't stand it. Some of us don't care that much, but are in the minority. The Chairman of the Federal Reserve is at pains to be predictable so that the stock market doesn't do anything crazy. And yet no one on Wall Street would presume to predict what color his socks will be on any given day.
The flip side to that coin is that militarily the element of surprise is invaluable. We carry this over into everyday life in small ways: We think “If you don't know what I'm going to say, then I can win an argument.” If no one knows how I am going to spend my money then I should be able to get a better deal. Are these things really true?
Surprisingly enough, mostly NO! If you agreed instantly, I would not need to say “surprisingly!” However: If you know what I am going to say, you needn't ask. If enough people buy VW Beetles, VW beetles are dirt cheap. Not very individual but still dirt cheap.
If being predictable works out so well for us, why are we at such pains to be different?
If the combinations and permutations of these were not enough, we change our minds at intervals that, while not random from the point of view of stimulus, are not readily predictable by any pattern. For example, “I'm sick of blue sweaters. Blue is no longer my favorite color!” When these things are taken into consideration, even “GI Joes,” military personnel who all wear size 10 shoes, and have names starting with “N” are still different enough in personality that it boggles the mind.
A more interesting question we could ask is this: “Do I mind being predictable?” Most of us just can't stand it. Some of us don't care that much, but are in the minority. The Chairman of the Federal Reserve is at pains to be predictable so that the stock market doesn't do anything crazy. And yet no one on Wall Street would presume to predict what color his socks will be on any given day.
The flip side to that coin is that militarily the element of surprise is invaluable. We carry this over into everyday life in small ways: We think “If you don't know what I'm going to say, then I can win an argument.” If no one knows how I am going to spend my money then I should be able to get a better deal. Are these things really true?
Surprisingly enough, mostly NO! If you agreed instantly, I would not need to say “surprisingly!” However: If you know what I am going to say, you needn't ask. If enough people buy VW Beetles, VW beetles are dirt cheap. Not very individual but still dirt cheap.
If being predictable works out so well for us, why are we at such pains to be different?
Chapter Six: Predicting Vs Predictability
To understand why we do not want to be “predictable” we can usefully investigate our own ability to predict. What if you could predict what the questions on next week's Biology test would be? What if you could predict when Zebras would be on sale in South Africa. What if you could predict who would win the NBA finals? What if you could predict where a lost child would be found? (Make up your own example of predicting a “why,” it's not easy.)
Clearly this predicting stuff is great... we need to bottle this stuff and sell it! There is a flawed logic that says: If predicting others is good for me and gives me an edge/advantage, the being predicted must not be good for me.
Let's think it through: If students can predict questions on a test, it defeats the purpose of testing. In reality, if you know the material, any set of questions is OK. The teacher is just spot checking you. Secretly the teacher wants you to do well, just not cheat. If you know when Zebras will be on sale, you will show up exactly then, and I can't sell them for as much. In point of fact, you can get the best price on Zebras right around Christmas time... they make lousy Christmas presents, and Zoos are not much patronized at that time of year. If you could predict who would win the NBA finals, everyone could predict it. There would be no point in gambling on it. As for predicting where a lost child would be found? The child is not bent on being un-predictable – that would be hiding. This child is lost and he really would benefit tremendously by finding himself predictable.
Having established then that predictability is not all bad, it remains the case that most of us (my secret is out – I don't mind being predicted all that much,) dislike our character being anticipated?
Calling for a trumpet flourish and a drum roll... "Trumpet flourish, drum roll please:"
I didn't capitalize it because I wanted you to read the other stuff, not just skip down to this part. But it's IMPORTANT, so I decided to put it in it's own paragraph. Keep in mind that even stupid people are complicated. But we – and please pay attention to my word - “ASSOCIATE” simplicity with stupidity. The aforementioned Chairman of the Federal Reserve is certainly not stupid. He is taking many factors into account, and carefully weighing many possible outcomes. And yet careful observation has shown that if he carries two brief cases to his main meeting, interest rates are going up.
Clearly this predicting stuff is great... we need to bottle this stuff and sell it! There is a flawed logic that says: If predicting others is good for me and gives me an edge/advantage, the being predicted must not be good for me.
Let's think it through: If students can predict questions on a test, it defeats the purpose of testing. In reality, if you know the material, any set of questions is OK. The teacher is just spot checking you. Secretly the teacher wants you to do well, just not cheat. If you know when Zebras will be on sale, you will show up exactly then, and I can't sell them for as much. In point of fact, you can get the best price on Zebras right around Christmas time... they make lousy Christmas presents, and Zoos are not much patronized at that time of year. If you could predict who would win the NBA finals, everyone could predict it. There would be no point in gambling on it. As for predicting where a lost child would be found? The child is not bent on being un-predictable – that would be hiding. This child is lost and he really would benefit tremendously by finding himself predictable.
Having established then that predictability is not all bad, it remains the case that most of us (my secret is out – I don't mind being predicted all that much,) dislike our character being anticipated?
Calling for a trumpet flourish and a drum roll... "Trumpet flourish, drum roll please:"
People do not like to be predicted because they think it makes them look simple.
I didn't capitalize it because I wanted you to read the other stuff, not just skip down to this part. But it's IMPORTANT, so I decided to put it in it's own paragraph. Keep in mind that even stupid people are complicated. But we – and please pay attention to my word - “ASSOCIATE” simplicity with stupidity. The aforementioned Chairman of the Federal Reserve is certainly not stupid. He is taking many factors into account, and carefully weighing many possible outcomes. And yet careful observation has shown that if he carries two brief cases to his main meeting, interest rates are going up.
Chapter Seven: Back to Dick and Jane.
Reviewing, we talked about what happens to Dick and Jane if Dick employs copy-cat behavior in winning her affections. Now we will surmise about what happens if he tries to be absolutely unique. You will recall that Jane was in love with the President of the Chess Club when Dick determined that he wanted to be her sweetheart.
Having wisely avoided a Mohawk haircut, he has put on his best shirt and tie, and walks up to her and blurts out, “I want to be a world class marine Biologist, and study Evolution on Komodo Island. Will you go bowling with me on Friday night?” Jane takes one look at him and evaluates him as a predictable simpleton, and says “No thanks. Ask somebody else.” Dick is shattered, and glumly proceeds to drown his sorrows in Grape Nehi, bewailing the injustice of how “All Women” treat “All Men.” As far as Dick is concerned, this is utter failure, and the very worst thing that could have happened. In reality, going by our previous example, Dick has saved months of time and a broken heart, and has ended up with exactly the same result. This is the best thing that could have happened to Dick, as long as he is still friendly when Jill comes along.
Looking back over our “disaster,” we see that Dick certainly did not sell himself short, but embellished the truth a little. He no more wants to study Evolution on Komodo Island than he wants to be World Chess Champion, but it represents the highest goal of any Vet's career.
Meanwhile Jane didn't really make out like a bandit: (she stole no hearts today.) The Chess Club President hasn't asked her out yet, and she missed out on a chance to honestly evaluate if she likes Dick at all. Double entendre if you must. As far as she can see, All Chess Club Presidents never ask anyone out!
Having wisely avoided a Mohawk haircut, he has put on his best shirt and tie, and walks up to her and blurts out, “I want to be a world class marine Biologist, and study Evolution on Komodo Island. Will you go bowling with me on Friday night?” Jane takes one look at him and evaluates him as a predictable simpleton, and says “No thanks. Ask somebody else.” Dick is shattered, and glumly proceeds to drown his sorrows in Grape Nehi, bewailing the injustice of how “All Women” treat “All Men.” As far as Dick is concerned, this is utter failure, and the very worst thing that could have happened. In reality, going by our previous example, Dick has saved months of time and a broken heart, and has ended up with exactly the same result. This is the best thing that could have happened to Dick, as long as he is still friendly when Jill comes along.
Looking back over our “disaster,” we see that Dick certainly did not sell himself short, but embellished the truth a little. He no more wants to study Evolution on Komodo Island than he wants to be World Chess Champion, but it represents the highest goal of any Vet's career.
Meanwhile Jane didn't really make out like a bandit: (she stole no hearts today.) The Chess Club President hasn't asked her out yet, and she missed out on a chance to honestly evaluate if she likes Dick at all. Double entendre if you must. As far as she can see, All Chess Club Presidents never ask anyone out!
Chapter Eight: All and Never!
So far we have made some natural and commonly occurring observations intentionally, because they are natural and occur commonly, BUT THEY ARE WRONG.
Every time so far that Dick or Jane has made a conclusion about the opposite sex, they have concluded this to be true for ALL OF THEM! Looking back to a moment ago, Chess Club Presidents never ask ANYONE out. What happens then if he asks Jill out? Then it's even worse, and Jill is her sworn enemy, presumably because she exists only to steal ALL Chess Club Presidents away from Jane.
To remind you, Jill thinks Vets are the Unsung Heroes of the New Millennium, and only accepted a date with the Chess Club President because she didn't know Dick. (OK maybe she did, but you know what I mean.)
Every time so far that Dick or Jane has made a conclusion about the opposite sex, they have concluded this to be true for ALL OF THEM! Looking back to a moment ago, Chess Club Presidents never ask ANYONE out. What happens then if he asks Jill out? Then it's even worse, and Jill is her sworn enemy, presumably because she exists only to steal ALL Chess Club Presidents away from Jane.
To remind you, Jill thinks Vets are the Unsung Heroes of the New Millennium, and only accepted a date with the Chess Club President because she didn't know Dick. (OK maybe she did, but you know what I mean.)
Chapter Nine: Jill and the Chess Club President.
Let's contrive another very unlikely example: Jill's heart has NEVER been broken, and the Chess Club President plays ALL his cards right. They share a perfect candle lit dinner at McDonald's and discuss world affairs, and the way the third lane at the bowling alley tends to curve left, making it easier to get strikes. In an unguarded moment he shares with her his secret passion for Computer Network Interface Cards, and how he wants to eventually become the sole provider of Network Interface Cards on the West Coast, including Silicon Valley in the South, and Microsoft in Seattle Washington in the North. Well, this presents Jill with a terrible dilemma. How does she let him down easy? Fortunately for us, this example is unlikely and contrived and Jill is hit with a brainstorm. She is honest with Mr. Chess Club President, in the following fashion. She tells him that he has been nicer to her than any Chess Club President ever before, and she had a perfectly wonderful time at McDonald's, but Network Interface Cards mean absolutely nothing to her. She would rather watch baby Alligators break out of their shell at the Zoo, and give immunization shots to the Rocky Mountain Billy Goats. BUT she doesn't quit there. She gives him her REAL telephone number, safe in supposing he probably won't use it, and tells him it would be fun to get together now and then, but not seriously. She kisses him goodnight, and is pleasantly surprised to find that he doesn't smoke. End of Example.
In real life, a Chess Club President would probably be her slave for life at this point. 15 years from now, when she needs 50,000 NIC cards for all the Zoos in Africa where she is working as head Zoologist, he will move heaven and earth to have them there for her at bottom dollar.
But allowing for the pitiful dating life of the average Chess Club President, Jill's problem is about to become very thorny indeed. He DOES use the phone number. REPEATEDLY. Every time he can't get a date, she is his under-valued fall back. Dick doesn't know it isn't serious, and she becomes “marked territory.” The Chess Club President becomes a sort of “Dating JASON/FREDDY” to Jill. This is a terrible situation for Jill, but also not the desired result for the Chess Club President. If he doesn't move on, he'll never find out if Jane deeply yearns for a future Network Card King, and time isn't waiting for either of them. To his great misfortune, Jack (The Captain of the Football Team,) makes his move on Jane.
Up to this point, let's just be sorry for Jill, and remember that she has been a perfect friend to everybody so far.
In real life, a Chess Club President would probably be her slave for life at this point. 15 years from now, when she needs 50,000 NIC cards for all the Zoos in Africa where she is working as head Zoologist, he will move heaven and earth to have them there for her at bottom dollar.
But allowing for the pitiful dating life of the average Chess Club President, Jill's problem is about to become very thorny indeed. He DOES use the phone number. REPEATEDLY. Every time he can't get a date, she is his under-valued fall back. Dick doesn't know it isn't serious, and she becomes “marked territory.” The Chess Club President becomes a sort of “Dating JASON/FREDDY” to Jill. This is a terrible situation for Jill, but also not the desired result for the Chess Club President. If he doesn't move on, he'll never find out if Jane deeply yearns for a future Network Card King, and time isn't waiting for either of them. To his great misfortune, Jack (The Captain of the Football Team,) makes his move on Jane.
Up to this point, let's just be sorry for Jill, and remember that she has been a perfect friend to everybody so far.
Chapter Ten: Jack and Jane:
Jack is the Captain of the football team. Jane is free to date, as Chess Club Man is otherwise occupied, and being the savvy operator that he is, he makes his move.
Keeping in mind that this example is just as contrived as the others: Jane is flattered that this strapping example of youth admires her, and accepts the date. Tuesday comes, (Friday night is game night,) and she dresses to impress. Worldly wise, he kisses her hello, and she is disappointed to observe that he smokes. The first date is to a movie. No messy conversation. No pussy footing around, his hand starts out half-way down her thigh, and isn't migrating toward her knee. She holds his hand in her lap with both of hers, and loses all appreciation for the movie.
Now at this point, half of us are thinking she needs to begin emergency measures to regain boundaries. And those of us who are not yet parents are saying “What's keeping her knees from parting imperceptibly?”
Those of the former, less popular contingent have correctly anticipated that no matter what happens here and now, making less happen next time is like playing pick-up sticks with a wet noodle.
Keeping in mind that this example is just as contrived as the others: Jane is flattered that this strapping example of youth admires her, and accepts the date. Tuesday comes, (Friday night is game night,) and she dresses to impress. Worldly wise, he kisses her hello, and she is disappointed to observe that he smokes. The first date is to a movie. No messy conversation. No pussy footing around, his hand starts out half-way down her thigh, and isn't migrating toward her knee. She holds his hand in her lap with both of hers, and loses all appreciation for the movie.
Now at this point, half of us are thinking she needs to begin emergency measures to regain boundaries. And those of us who are not yet parents are saying “What's keeping her knees from parting imperceptibly?”
Those of the former, less popular contingent have correctly anticipated that no matter what happens here and now, making less happen next time is like playing pick-up sticks with a wet noodle.
Chapter Eleven: SEX!
If trying to make heads or tails of sex relations is like taking the SATs, then trying to keep a level head while having sex is more like trying to take the SATs while tripping on acid. It makes everything more intense, and the highs of success make the devastating crashes of mistakes abysmally worse.
You can't have enough sex for it to wear off. Even if you could, it would take 30 or 40 years of continually working at it. The theory that you can get perspective by putting it behind you somehow, has never been proven in a laboratory. To be sure, I have friends who will tease and say that people who say “sex is no big thing” are getting plenty. At the outset, that appears to bolster a claim that sex is some kind of “big deal.” But upon closer examination, it is really an argument that “when you're getting plenty of sex, it's no big deal.”
Suffice it to say that while sex is not an Olympic event, in can be done badly as well as superlatively. If it's no big deal, you are in shock or jaded, or otherwise not getting the full benefit. That being said, this is not a book about how to have sex.
Remember the third chapter, when Dick became a Chess Champion and got Jane's best attentions? If Dick and Jane had consummated the doomed relationship with sex, then every bad lesson they learned would be associated and re-enforced with memories of sex. If the sex was great, the bad memories are ground into the consciousness with vivid painful detail. If the sex was mediocre, each secretly wonders if better sex would have solved the problems.
Would you agree with me that regaining objectivity at that point is next to hopeless? Disease and Unwanted pregnancy only make it catastrophically worse. This is as good a time as any to really investigate exactly what we mean.
You can't have enough sex for it to wear off. Even if you could, it would take 30 or 40 years of continually working at it. The theory that you can get perspective by putting it behind you somehow, has never been proven in a laboratory. To be sure, I have friends who will tease and say that people who say “sex is no big thing” are getting plenty. At the outset, that appears to bolster a claim that sex is some kind of “big deal.” But upon closer examination, it is really an argument that “when you're getting plenty of sex, it's no big deal.”
Suffice it to say that while sex is not an Olympic event, in can be done badly as well as superlatively. If it's no big deal, you are in shock or jaded, or otherwise not getting the full benefit. That being said, this is not a book about how to have sex.
Remember the third chapter, when Dick became a Chess Champion and got Jane's best attentions? If Dick and Jane had consummated the doomed relationship with sex, then every bad lesson they learned would be associated and re-enforced with memories of sex. If the sex was great, the bad memories are ground into the consciousness with vivid painful detail. If the sex was mediocre, each secretly wonders if better sex would have solved the problems.
Would you agree with me that regaining objectivity at that point is next to hopeless? Disease and Unwanted pregnancy only make it catastrophically worse. This is as good a time as any to really investigate exactly what we mean.
Chapter Twelve: What's worse, Disease or Pregnancy?
First off, disease means someone was having sex before. Dick is our hero and must end up with Jill, so Jane has to bite the dust here. Can you imagine any way she doesn't bitterly hate the nameless guy who gave her syphilis? Now Dick was an idiot to get carried away and not use a condom, but seriously, who wears those things? When the magical event is just about to go down, Jane had a problem on her hands just like in Chapter 10. As she succumbed to his advances, every sexual response is associated with a self loathing that she doesn't have the courage to tell Dick she is not currently available. No one particularly blames her, I mean look what he went through, just on the off chance he could gain her favor? Dick is no virgin... he lost it in the tenth grade to his baby brother's baby sitter, but he hasn't been humping the furniture between lusty encounters. He's been keeping it in his pants, and treating women with respect. Jane just knows that if she puts “love” on hold it will be the end of the relationship. Maybe he won't get syphilis. Even if he does, maybe he'll understand somehow.
So when does she tell him? “Oh Dick, look for it to start burning when you urinate in a week or so. I was saving it for a surprise!” “Oh Dick, I kept meaning to tell you, I want to rub it in your face that you're getting someone else's leavings!” If Jane couldn't screw up the courage to tell a doctor, there is no way Dick is finding out from her in any way. He has no idea, and when it starts to burn, it doesn't matter who he tells. Dad in the head, straight to a school nurse, or a buddy at a ball game (where Jack leads the Fighting Cougars to victory.) Whenever and however the realization hits him, in that moment he is belittled and betrayed. Someone else was there, and recently. (It doesn't matter if it was recently or not – the evidence is brand new.) Jane couldn't be bothered to tell him: Does she love this other guy more? Why couldn't she share something like this with him? He feels like he could do chin ups on a sewer grate.
He hates Jane just as much as she hates the guy that gave it to her. Now they are both equal in some ways. They have both been badly betrayed by a member of the opposite sex. The have both been humiliated and had infidelity rubbed in their faces. But chances are this common experience is not going to be a bonding experience that leads them both to want to share new and more exotic sexually transmitted diseases.
The lessons we went over in Chapter Three as this relationship dies a horrible death are etched so indelibly on the brain they may as well be branded there. How much life will pass Dick by before he trusts another girl that way? When will Jane ever learn that ALL GUYS are not deserters, who ditch you at the first sign of trouble?
I think we can all agree that sex was a bad idea in this example.
So when does she tell him? “Oh Dick, look for it to start burning when you urinate in a week or so. I was saving it for a surprise!” “Oh Dick, I kept meaning to tell you, I want to rub it in your face that you're getting someone else's leavings!” If Jane couldn't screw up the courage to tell a doctor, there is no way Dick is finding out from her in any way. He has no idea, and when it starts to burn, it doesn't matter who he tells. Dad in the head, straight to a school nurse, or a buddy at a ball game (where Jack leads the Fighting Cougars to victory.) Whenever and however the realization hits him, in that moment he is belittled and betrayed. Someone else was there, and recently. (It doesn't matter if it was recently or not – the evidence is brand new.) Jane couldn't be bothered to tell him: Does she love this other guy more? Why couldn't she share something like this with him? He feels like he could do chin ups on a sewer grate.
He hates Jane just as much as she hates the guy that gave it to her. Now they are both equal in some ways. They have both been badly betrayed by a member of the opposite sex. The have both been humiliated and had infidelity rubbed in their faces. But chances are this common experience is not going to be a bonding experience that leads them both to want to share new and more exotic sexually transmitted diseases.
The lessons we went over in Chapter Three as this relationship dies a horrible death are etched so indelibly on the brain they may as well be branded there. How much life will pass Dick by before he trusts another girl that way? When will Jane ever learn that ALL GUYS are not deserters, who ditch you at the first sign of trouble?
I think we can all agree that sex was a bad idea in this example.
Chapter Thirteen: PREGNANCY!
This is the bad luck chapter, so no point wiping the disease slate clean. Three weeks later, the tide goes out for Jane and doesn't come in again. She's pregnant. She had been so ashamed she didn't know how to explain to Dick. Dick found out by the nature of his infection and came back to her to talk it over (these contrived examples are so easy.) Being a stand-up guy, he had marched her down to the school nurse, and she just got done with a course of antibiotics, and now this.
Her thoughts are a smoking engine, racing in neutral. She's got to tell Dick she’s pregnant now. How can she possibly tell Dick? Can we have this discussion without enunciating the dreaded question “Abortion?” Would Dick want her to keep the baby, or abort it? What kind of man would ever council her to abort a baby? God, why are you doing this to me? Why me and not somebody else? Dick already despises me. How could I tell him this? Easy: It's HIS baby! It's not my fault; he did this to me. I'm going to call him right now and tell him what for! The girl who could not bear to share the embarrassment of explaining an STD is no longer the gentle creature that admired the Chess Club President from afar. She has not become a mean vengeful aggressor, but she has nature's fire of DESPERATION kindled in her belly. There is no deescalating this tension. There is no retreating or moving on. The urgency of her decision cannot be averted.
At this point, if she tells Dick, he is no longer a stand in cut-out for all men. He is legally responsible, and there will be no do-overs. An upright guy wouldn’t be in this position, but Dick is. He can choose to marry her or pay child support for eighteen years. He can choose to represent his sex badly, and desert. If she decides to get an abortion, the law precludes him over-riding her unilateral decision. If she decides not to, whatever gyrations she puts his brain and emotions through are a mere exercise. He can't make her. Any council he offers to that end is mere weakness of character. His decision not to wear a condom has now become her catastrophic dilemma. If this event catapults her into motherhood, she will likely make a decision never to depend on a man again. Partnership is better than trying to go it alone, and that outcome will hinder her indefinitely from enjoying a healthy loving relationship with Dick or anybody else.
What she does not know is that if she exercises her prerogative to terminate the pregnancy, the self loathing that she felt as she hid her STD while Dick mounted her, is merely the lapping waves of a sea of despair that she will sail if she kills her unborn child. True, it will come and go, but she will always wonder what could have happened IF she had taken the other fork in the road.
In this example, Jane is not the kind to build a long-term relationship with a guy she realizes she is not really matched to anyway. His idea of a date is to hang out at the Zoo and watch them feed the animals all afternoon, and she wants her own career, as a Financial Consultant. Being an intelligent girl, she makes use of the available social safety nets, and finds out at the counseling center that there is a negative population growth. They council her (this is a contrived example,) that there are psychological penalties to abortion, as well as potential infertility, so she determines to bring the baby to term, and put it up for adoption. This has the built in problems of wanting to know what happened to the child, a legal impossibility. Furthermore, the child may feel that his/her birth mother didn't love him/her... s/he is statistically likely to seek her birth mother out in tortured rejection of her adoptive parents. But then this was an unwanted pregnancy, not the launching of the Space Shuttle. She hopes that s/he will understand that while all other children are the product of nature's necessity, s/he was actually CHOSEN by her adoptive parents, over and above other children, and was sought out, not thrust upon them.
Forget Dating and the “no big deal” of a role in the hay. Dick is definitely better off never fishing with that kind of worm. Hopefully things will go better with Jill.
Her thoughts are a smoking engine, racing in neutral. She's got to tell Dick she’s pregnant now. How can she possibly tell Dick? Can we have this discussion without enunciating the dreaded question “Abortion?” Would Dick want her to keep the baby, or abort it? What kind of man would ever council her to abort a baby? God, why are you doing this to me? Why me and not somebody else? Dick already despises me. How could I tell him this? Easy: It's HIS baby! It's not my fault; he did this to me. I'm going to call him right now and tell him what for! The girl who could not bear to share the embarrassment of explaining an STD is no longer the gentle creature that admired the Chess Club President from afar. She has not become a mean vengeful aggressor, but she has nature's fire of DESPERATION kindled in her belly. There is no deescalating this tension. There is no retreating or moving on. The urgency of her decision cannot be averted.
At this point, if she tells Dick, he is no longer a stand in cut-out for all men. He is legally responsible, and there will be no do-overs. An upright guy wouldn’t be in this position, but Dick is. He can choose to marry her or pay child support for eighteen years. He can choose to represent his sex badly, and desert. If she decides to get an abortion, the law precludes him over-riding her unilateral decision. If she decides not to, whatever gyrations she puts his brain and emotions through are a mere exercise. He can't make her. Any council he offers to that end is mere weakness of character. His decision not to wear a condom has now become her catastrophic dilemma. If this event catapults her into motherhood, she will likely make a decision never to depend on a man again. Partnership is better than trying to go it alone, and that outcome will hinder her indefinitely from enjoying a healthy loving relationship with Dick or anybody else.
What she does not know is that if she exercises her prerogative to terminate the pregnancy, the self loathing that she felt as she hid her STD while Dick mounted her, is merely the lapping waves of a sea of despair that she will sail if she kills her unborn child. True, it will come and go, but she will always wonder what could have happened IF she had taken the other fork in the road.
In this example, Jane is not the kind to build a long-term relationship with a guy she realizes she is not really matched to anyway. His idea of a date is to hang out at the Zoo and watch them feed the animals all afternoon, and she wants her own career, as a Financial Consultant. Being an intelligent girl, she makes use of the available social safety nets, and finds out at the counseling center that there is a negative population growth. They council her (this is a contrived example,) that there are psychological penalties to abortion, as well as potential infertility, so she determines to bring the baby to term, and put it up for adoption. This has the built in problems of wanting to know what happened to the child, a legal impossibility. Furthermore, the child may feel that his/her birth mother didn't love him/her... s/he is statistically likely to seek her birth mother out in tortured rejection of her adoptive parents. But then this was an unwanted pregnancy, not the launching of the Space Shuttle. She hopes that s/he will understand that while all other children are the product of nature's necessity, s/he was actually CHOSEN by her adoptive parents, over and above other children, and was sought out, not thrust upon them.
Forget Dating and the “no big deal” of a role in the hay. Dick is definitely better off never fishing with that kind of worm. Hopefully things will go better with Jill.
Chapter Fourteen: What about the rest of us?
So far we have been peering in on the lives of The Chess Club President, Dick, Jane, Jack and Jill. What can be observed so far is that Jane is pretty, Jill is prettier by some estimation (read Ginger vs Maryann,) Jack is a prime specimen, and the Chess Club President is smarter (at least as far a Chess goes) than anybody else in the County, with the possible exception of Dick, our hero. Jack may be no Chess champion, but he knows how to march an entire football team down the field under pressure. He has the play book memorized so well he can run through it in his head, to guess which play will outfox the Rattlers, the school rival. Militarily, he practices the element of surprise – when he does not wish to be predictable he is not, AND he has a way with the ladies.
What about those of us that (who?) are somewhat more humbly endowed? Some of us are plain, or dumb or both. Some of us are 90 pound weaklings, some of us actually distinguish between Geeks, Phreqs and Nerds. Most would view them as “Think they are smart, but have no clue how to dress or talk, Bill Gates wannabes.” And some of us are, let's face it FAT. In these cases, warnings about the evil dangers of ill advised sex are rubbing salt in an open wound. Sex for us is about as likely as winning the lottery. The reason it's important to still give it attention is this: If you wait a long time for your one shot, how sad would it be to make the wrong decision and miss the point of honestly evaluating the person? Jane is good looking, but what if Jack turns his attention to a girl with fewer alternatives. Can she think any more clearly than Jane did? Does his temporary attention to something other than appearances mean she has to accede to his wishes? That's a lot of estrogen pumping while she tries to make heads or tails of his behavior.
Hopefully we have learned something already by looking in on the stylized cream of the crop, but is there more that can be said? YES.
Again: What is said here is an attempt to improve communication between real people. No box will understand a person. Predicting behavior is not the achievement we sometimes make it out to be. I can tell you at a glance whether the Chairman of the Federal Reserve is carrying one or two brief cases, but I couldn't possibly perform the analysis necessary to determine whether interest rates should go up, or down, or by how much. That being said, here goes:
What about those of us that (who?) are somewhat more humbly endowed? Some of us are plain, or dumb or both. Some of us are 90 pound weaklings, some of us actually distinguish between Geeks, Phreqs and Nerds. Most would view them as “Think they are smart, but have no clue how to dress or talk, Bill Gates wannabes.” And some of us are, let's face it FAT. In these cases, warnings about the evil dangers of ill advised sex are rubbing salt in an open wound. Sex for us is about as likely as winning the lottery. The reason it's important to still give it attention is this: If you wait a long time for your one shot, how sad would it be to make the wrong decision and miss the point of honestly evaluating the person? Jane is good looking, but what if Jack turns his attention to a girl with fewer alternatives. Can she think any more clearly than Jane did? Does his temporary attention to something other than appearances mean she has to accede to his wishes? That's a lot of estrogen pumping while she tries to make heads or tails of his behavior.
Hopefully we have learned something already by looking in on the stylized cream of the crop, but is there more that can be said? YES.
Again: What is said here is an attempt to improve communication between real people. No box will understand a person. Predicting behavior is not the achievement we sometimes make it out to be. I can tell you at a glance whether the Chairman of the Federal Reserve is carrying one or two brief cases, but I couldn't possibly perform the analysis necessary to determine whether interest rates should go up, or down, or by how much. That being said, here goes:
Chapter Fifteen: Don't we have any feelings?
Let's look at Jane and Jill in context of the other girls. Every guy in class passes them over to talk to Jill and Jane. Does this make Jane and Jill popular? No. Every girl in class is conflicted. It's not good to be jealous, but it's just not fair to be passed over. How do you treat Jill and Jane fairly in that context? It completely jams your system of judgment, and co-incidentally opens you up to derogatory comments that, one way or another you are unfair despite your best efforts. I'm sure I don't have to list pejoratives. All this on top of being less physically attractive to start with. It should also be observed that in their experience, “All Men” only look at appearances, and go straight to Jane and Jill.
Good news for the girls that are not Jane and Jill. The roses that Jane and Jill are looking at are not without their thorns. That fog of judgment that theoretically works somewhat in Jane’s favor alienates her and Jill from heartfelt friendship. If three guys ask you out you can date them one at a time, and determine whom you like best. If seven come calling you can suppose that you are enjoying more choices. Jane and Jill are faced with sieving through EVERYBODY. In this situation, how do you avoid being called a SLUT anyway? On balance they may be more able to resurrect a lost relationship, in effect “going back” even if they missed that One Special Guy. But their power of choice has resulted in TOO MANY CHOICES. Furthermore, Jane and Jill will be every bit as bitter that “All Men” only look at appearances – nobody loves them for who they are.
We've got to understand that a selective process is at work as well. Suppose you were looking for a guy that did _NOT_ judge solely on appearances. Jane and Jill just became lighting rod's drawing away most of the guy's you don't care anything about. How long are Jane and Jill going to wait for a guy to show up that loves them for who they are? There exists an algebra that says their lot is equally as unpalatable as that of everyone else. I'm not saying feel sorry for them, but take the world as it is, and count your blessings.
Good news for the girls that are not Jane and Jill. The roses that Jane and Jill are looking at are not without their thorns. That fog of judgment that theoretically works somewhat in Jane’s favor alienates her and Jill from heartfelt friendship. If three guys ask you out you can date them one at a time, and determine whom you like best. If seven come calling you can suppose that you are enjoying more choices. Jane and Jill are faced with sieving through EVERYBODY. In this situation, how do you avoid being called a SLUT anyway? On balance they may be more able to resurrect a lost relationship, in effect “going back” even if they missed that One Special Guy. But their power of choice has resulted in TOO MANY CHOICES. Furthermore, Jane and Jill will be every bit as bitter that “All Men” only look at appearances – nobody loves them for who they are.
We've got to understand that a selective process is at work as well. Suppose you were looking for a guy that did _NOT_ judge solely on appearances. Jane and Jill just became lighting rod's drawing away most of the guy's you don't care anything about. How long are Jane and Jill going to wait for a guy to show up that loves them for who they are? There exists an algebra that says their lot is equally as unpalatable as that of everyone else. I'm not saying feel sorry for them, but take the world as it is, and count your blessings.
Chapter Sixteen: What exactly are we looking for?
Guys: I just “looked the girls off” for an entire chapter. Now it's just us, get a clue. Ask somebody out besides Jane and Jill. Demonstrate leadership. You become more than the sum of your parts if you have direction. If you don't have direction, ask yourself why. What goals do you really have? How are you moving to accomplish these? Jack appears to be on a path to become an NFL star. The reason the Chess Club President is not attractive is that a girl sees chess as an advertisement that he will be competing with her intellectually. Competition is only fun if it's friendly. It can spur one to greater accomplishment. But Chess looks like an invitation to make every little thing a knock down drag out. Gary Kasparov was World Chess Champion for many years. But at the age of 41, he quit competitive chess to marry and go into politics.
OK, Girls you can listen in again. I can't tell everyone what Guys are looking for, so much as I can talk about unreasonable ideals.
The unreasonable ideal that is usually set for us is something like this: Shoot for someone who is on par with you in the appearances department. Shoot for someone with similar financial prospects. And finally try to match intellects. Now do all three at once.
Randomly observing, I think people match up by financial prospects first, then within that group test for matching looks, and hope in the end that intellects are not too badly off.
I hope you can see that this doesn't leave a lot of room to measure character, and I am coaching you to buck the “system.” I suppose that the guys in the Chess Club took a look at financial prospects and said, I'm gonna lick that system with intellect – looks be damned. If you're wondering if Chess represents making everything an intellectual competition, spend a little time finding out. I am not so naive as to think they could tell you if you put it to them as a question, but get them away from the group, and shoot the breeze, see where the conversation takes you.
Finally, what does it mean to have things in common? By application it means “Left to your own devices, would you two choose to be in such differing circumstances that you are likely not to get along?” If he wants to be designing computer chips is Silicon Valley and she wants to be a party planner, things are not so different as they look. He can start a business, and she can plan his business get-togethers. She can even make it a for-profit activity by planning all the parties in the city. But on a first date, what are they going to talk about? Clearly not how to design computer chips or plan parties. At this point it is handy to share an interest in Show Horses or Music. Having common interests does not mean agreeing about everything so much that you are “two peas in a pod.” Disagreements are opportunities to show identity and character, not evidence that all future efforts to be friends are instantly doomed for all eternity. Remember, if you can predict what I am going to say, you needn't ask it.
What do I mean by similar financial prospects? Party Planners and Computer Engineers don't make the same income, yet nothing appears to be standing in their way. Paint this picture. He is from old money back East, she is from old money back East, they meet at Ivy League School. No brainer. She just happens to want to be a party planner. Suppose instead we paint a different picture. His Dad's a computer programmer, and her Dad's a truck driver. They meet at State School. Still OK. But if she is from old money back East, and his dad's a computer programmer, his motives are automatically suspect. Even if his Dad is nouveau riche and her Dad's a trucker, it still is a long shot. That is what I mean about similar financial prospects.
OK, Girls you can listen in again. I can't tell everyone what Guys are looking for, so much as I can talk about unreasonable ideals.
The unreasonable ideal that is usually set for us is something like this: Shoot for someone who is on par with you in the appearances department. Shoot for someone with similar financial prospects. And finally try to match intellects. Now do all three at once.
Randomly observing, I think people match up by financial prospects first, then within that group test for matching looks, and hope in the end that intellects are not too badly off.
I hope you can see that this doesn't leave a lot of room to measure character, and I am coaching you to buck the “system.” I suppose that the guys in the Chess Club took a look at financial prospects and said, I'm gonna lick that system with intellect – looks be damned. If you're wondering if Chess represents making everything an intellectual competition, spend a little time finding out. I am not so naive as to think they could tell you if you put it to them as a question, but get them away from the group, and shoot the breeze, see where the conversation takes you.
Finally, what does it mean to have things in common? By application it means “Left to your own devices, would you two choose to be in such differing circumstances that you are likely not to get along?” If he wants to be designing computer chips is Silicon Valley and she wants to be a party planner, things are not so different as they look. He can start a business, and she can plan his business get-togethers. She can even make it a for-profit activity by planning all the parties in the city. But on a first date, what are they going to talk about? Clearly not how to design computer chips or plan parties. At this point it is handy to share an interest in Show Horses or Music. Having common interests does not mean agreeing about everything so much that you are “two peas in a pod.” Disagreements are opportunities to show identity and character, not evidence that all future efforts to be friends are instantly doomed for all eternity. Remember, if you can predict what I am going to say, you needn't ask it.
What do I mean by similar financial prospects? Party Planners and Computer Engineers don't make the same income, yet nothing appears to be standing in their way. Paint this picture. He is from old money back East, she is from old money back East, they meet at Ivy League School. No brainer. She just happens to want to be a party planner. Suppose instead we paint a different picture. His Dad's a computer programmer, and her Dad's a truck driver. They meet at State School. Still OK. But if she is from old money back East, and his dad's a computer programmer, his motives are automatically suspect. Even if his Dad is nouveau riche and her Dad's a trucker, it still is a long shot. That is what I mean about similar financial prospects.
Chapter Seventeen: What about Fat People?
Ask Hollywood: There is no ugly in the United States of America that is so hard to shake as being overweight. While Americans may be intellectually aware that a bad pituitary gland can do this as easily as being lazy, let's face it; there are at least as many lazy fat people as lazy thin people. Lazy people exist. The rest of the fat people are expected to show a diligent identity by some means, and any verbal explanation gets written off as a crutch by the third time you hear it.
So let's do a reality check: Jack, our football player may always be “in a relationship,” but he will still face the age old question “What have you done for me lately?” from time to time. As a calorically empowered American, we will face the same question, just more often. So, whatever arena you choose to show diligence in, remember that resting on our laurels is every bit as dangerous for a fat person as a CEO, and the Olympic Wreath is merely a garnishment at any time... never give it time to wilt.
That being said, it is not impossible to do something about it. First off, look at a statistic. Without allowing for Christmas time gains and the “Freshman fifteen” in college, even the best looking of us tend to gain a pound a year. From 20 years old to 50 years old, that's thirty pounds. Looking at someone who started out weighing 180 (and needing to weigh 165,) that puts him/her at 210. I'm suggesting that you make a determined decision to do better than that, and don't lose sight of it. OK, now you've got those thin people in your sights, let's talk about how that can be done.
So let's do a reality check: Jack, our football player may always be “in a relationship,” but he will still face the age old question “What have you done for me lately?” from time to time. As a calorically empowered American, we will face the same question, just more often. So, whatever arena you choose to show diligence in, remember that resting on our laurels is every bit as dangerous for a fat person as a CEO, and the Olympic Wreath is merely a garnishment at any time... never give it time to wilt.
That being said, it is not impossible to do something about it. First off, look at a statistic. Without allowing for Christmas time gains and the “Freshman fifteen” in college, even the best looking of us tend to gain a pound a year. From 20 years old to 50 years old, that's thirty pounds. Looking at someone who started out weighing 180 (and needing to weigh 165,) that puts him/her at 210. I'm suggesting that you make a determined decision to do better than that, and don't lose sight of it. OK, now you've got those thin people in your sights, let's talk about how that can be done.
Consider hiring a nutritionist. This is a more sure way to count calories than any other mechanism. A diabetic diet is a very good way to lose weight, and a nutritionist will make sure your vitamins and phytochemicals (found in vegetables) are kept well rounded. If that is not an available solution, try keeping a food diary for at least a week. It will make you more thoroughly aware of exactly what you ARE consuming. The more detailed you are, the more benefit you will likely realize. The object of the exercise is to break any cycle of absentminded eating.
Fight complacency: As you lose weight, there comes a point when you want to relax and say “I’ve done enough.” As such set achievable goals. At most weights, 10% of your body weight represents an achievable goal. If it is necessary to reward yourself (I know I want to,) make that weight the break point at which you reward yourself with a non-food reward… new cloths are an excellent investment, and will keep you in line, by enforcing a good fit.
Soda has as slightly less sugar in it than a very sweet Iced Tea, and is usually sweetened with high fructose corn syrup. This has been accused in print of slowing the body’s metabolism, and so can aggravate a weight problem. Most people hydrate with soda in the US of A. Two sodas a day is enough, and the remainder of our fluid intake should be other things. If you crave sugar (sugar can actually give you an addictive rush,) use apple juice for example. It is sweet, and gives you the rush, but drink too much of it and you will be rushing to the bathroom. As you lose weight, you will be able to tell when you crave sugar. The sugar you take elevates your metabolism slightly at the time, but also falls off sharply based on what is called the glycemic index. Pure cane sugar is a 100 on the glycemic index. Sugars that enter your blood stream more slowly are lower on the glycemic index, and sugars that enter your bloodstream faster are higher. As such, you can learn to break a “sugar crashing cycle” by using slower digesting sugars. In Closing: Hydrate with water. Many times when we think we are hungry, it is because we are thirsty.
If money is available in your budget, give some thought to employing a personal trainer. Exercise by itself is good to prevent heart attacks, but to lose weight it usually has to be done in context of a cardio-monitored workout. If a man weighs 300 pounds, you could look at it this way: He is a 180 pound man, exercising by carrying around a 120 pound backpack. If he intends to keep that weight, he should eat accordingly. If he intends to lose weight, he should eat three small meals a day. The body adjusts to low caloric intake, and so it will defend its weight. That being said, a personal trainer is invaluable in a weight-loss program. Most health Spas and Gyms provide this as an additional service.
If you are trying to lose weight, it makes sense to start your metabolism early in the day. That way, your body burns calories all day long. As such the time of day to exercise is in the morning. Shift work is against the circadian rhythms, and requires special attention.
The Cheapest food is fattening. A blessing we enjoy in this land of plenty is that Economy of Scale and Comparative Advantage have been employed by the producers to best make rich foods cheap. Honey, Whole Milk, Hamburgers etc are all available in such plenty that our standard of living has rendered them cheap. The portions are accentuated to improve economy of scale, not nourish a healthy lifestyle. As such, delayed gratification is your best defense. When you buy a hamburger, smell the smell and enjoy the anticipation of it, but take it home to eat or eat it at your desk or in the break room. Even when buying a soda out of a machine you can do things to separate between the characteristic sound of a can opening and the time you feel the first rush off sugar hit your bloodstream. This can be a simple as pouring it over ice which makes it taste better too, if you ask me.
Finally, we traditionally eat three times a day. When we try to lose weight, many of us cut that down. In fact, the reason we put on weight in the US of A in that our portions are too large. More meals keep your metabolism busy, but keep the portions small… remember you will eat again soon. If you eat more than three meals, have a reason and adjust portions accordingly.
Chapter Eighteen: Back to Jill and the Chess Club President. Sour Grapes examined.
In Chapter Nine, Jill gave her number to the Chess Club President, secure in the knowledge that he would be sensible and use it for friendly reasons. He did not. He called her all the time and did not understand that she was not romantically interested. This is a predicament girls find themselves in on a regular basis. Recall if you will that she never had sex with the Chess Club President. What on earth can she do? Since we are contriving examples, let’s contrive this one: Jill has some girl friends that are equally single. She owes them little allegiance and she would like to purchase some goodwill. Her strategy is not without cost, but not without benefit for all concerned. She chooses a friend she thinks would like the Chess Club President, and tells her about how great he is in the sack. Here we observe that forbidden fruit is often the most alluring, and that of someone else is often far more tempting than our own. It almost doesn’t matter what her friend does about it. If she sets her cap for the guy in question, she has only one competitor: Jill who just betrayed him to her. If she tells others, the Chess Club Champion gets a reputation for promiscuity that pays him back for being rude if he is a prude. If he is not a prude, the reputation breaks the ice for him in future. Eventually someone will “fall on that grenade.”
All of us have a friend somewhere who speaks of the experience of having sex as relaxing. It doesn’t take away the accusation of hypocrisy, but does take the offending “goody goody two shoes” down a peg or two, right? Just in case you are among the good goody two shoes community… acetaminophen will relax you. It is an analgesic, which means a muscle relaxant, and you can buy it over the counter at the pharmacy. It is different from ibuprofen, which is an anti-inflammatory. If you overdose on ibuprofen, it is under a doctor’s instruction and causes bleeding. However overdosing on acetaminophen causes liver damage. Next to your heart, your liver is your most important organ, so don’t exceed dosing instructions. Acetaminophen is a secret ingredient of the Heroin concoction we call “cheese,” and liver damage is why people die from it. If you want to learn about addiction try contracting with a friend for neither of you to masturbate for lent. Win, lose or draw, it WILL teach you something about addiction. After that you will not be in such a hurry to try Heroin. If Heroin is your solution to the problem, take a hint from me – pre-marital sex with all its pitfalls isn’t as bad for you as Heroin.
All of us have a friend somewhere who speaks of the experience of having sex as relaxing. It doesn’t take away the accusation of hypocrisy, but does take the offending “goody goody two shoes” down a peg or two, right? Just in case you are among the good goody two shoes community… acetaminophen will relax you. It is an analgesic, which means a muscle relaxant, and you can buy it over the counter at the pharmacy. It is different from ibuprofen, which is an anti-inflammatory. If you overdose on ibuprofen, it is under a doctor’s instruction and causes bleeding. However overdosing on acetaminophen causes liver damage. Next to your heart, your liver is your most important organ, so don’t exceed dosing instructions. Acetaminophen is a secret ingredient of the Heroin concoction we call “cheese,” and liver damage is why people die from it. If you want to learn about addiction try contracting with a friend for neither of you to masturbate for lent. Win, lose or draw, it WILL teach you something about addiction. After that you will not be in such a hurry to try Heroin. If Heroin is your solution to the problem, take a hint from me – pre-marital sex with all its pitfalls isn’t as bad for you as Heroin.
Chapter Nineteen: Jack, Jill and Jealousy.
Jill is still looking for a Vet, but her next date is with Jack, Captain of the Cougars’ football team. He is doing well in his business classes. He was interested because she was said to be a “baller,” or one who will “put out.” This was unavoidable because of what she said about the Chess Club President. It also represents Jill fishing with unfamiliar bait (remember chapter one?) As such, she has caught a different kind of fish, and should investigate how well she likes it. Jill shares the truth with Jack who in this case agrees with her. There will be guys who will not believe her and think it is a ploy to keep them out of her otherwise sexually active pants. Truth is the first casualty of war, and this IS the war between the sexes. Having obtained her confidence, Jack is very trusting with Jill when it comes to other guys. He wants to be sure he is not smothering her and gives her all kinds of latitude although in his mind they are a couple and dating. Jill unfortunately comes to an all too familiar conclusion: She concludes that Jack doesn’t care about her deeply. If he cared, she reasons, he would be jealous. She is correct in her syllogism. If a guy cares, he will be jealous. As a result, by tautology, if he is not jealous he does not care. In point of fact he is painfully jealous and overcompensating. Jack needs Jill to know that he can be jealous, and Jill needs understand that he is not “pimping her out.” In this case, the only people who understand are reading the book. Jack and Jill have a fight, and Jack’s last act in Jill’s best interest is to introduce her to Dick.
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